and thats when the fight started...........

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started........



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started..........

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a
clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the driveway."

And then the fight started........

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

Thanks man. I just read these off to my wife and we got a much needed laugh.

I love it.

Very funny stuff. Made me laugh out loud. Thanks...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.


She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a LITTLE PERSON/ (POLITICALLY CORRECT FOR) DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one of them ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started......

One day in the distant future, former President Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

“OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

and thats when the fight started..........

A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

and thats when the fight started.

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank
and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On
his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish
customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head
without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has
seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the
robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head
also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down
at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly
gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and
says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

....and thats when the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

Thanks guys....a little levity is good on a cold snowing evening in Pa.

I came home one evening and my wife was in the kitchen crying.

She told me she had baked me a pie and the dog ate it.

I told her: "Don't cry honey. I'll buy you another dog."

And that's when the fight started.

One night my wife told me to put out the garbage.

I told her: "You cooked it, you take it out."

And that's when the fight started...

A woman was driving along minding her own business when an alert & bored deputy decided to follow her and pull her over.....

Maam,..you were going a little fast back there, just what seems the big rush...?, the deputy said.

Oh well, I just murdered my husband with a shotgun and threw him in the trunk and
figured I better get the hell out of town., the woman said.

The deputy quickly put his hand on his sidearm, and immediately got on the radio
to the sheriff and said boss,....You better get down here QUICK !!!

A few minutes later the Sheriff arrived and quickly sidled up to the womans car and
asked,...Maam my deputy tells me you just murdered your husband with a shotgun
and threw him in the trunk....Do you mind popping the trunk and letting us search
your car..?

The woman replied, Go Ahead !.....

The Sheriff searches the trunk and car....and comes back to the woman and says
Maam,....there absolutely nothing here.....whats going on ?

The woman replied.....I bet that idiot told you I was speeding too...........

.....and thats when the fight started.

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
And that's when the fight started....

Flurry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
> made my
> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
> hooked up the
> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into
> a torrential
> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled
> back into the
> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
> the weather
> would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
> slipped back
> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with
> a different
> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out
> there is terrible.”
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you
> believe my
> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started........
>
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
> upcoming
> anniversary.
>
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0
> to 150 in
> about 3 seconds."
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started......
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security
> office to apply
> for Social Security.
>
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my
> driver's License to
> verify my age.
>
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but
> I would have
> to go home and come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
> hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security
> application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
> experience at
> the Social Security office. She said, 'You should
> have dropped your pants.
> You might have gotten disability too.'
>
> And then the fight started..........


ehe! he! he! he!..(hot damn!..outrageous!)..(lol)

(h.h.!)
j.t.

Flurry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my
> wife kept hinting
> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I
> always had something
> else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> making beer.
> Always something more important to me. Finally she
> thought of a
> clever way to make her point.
>
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in
> the tall
> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
> sewing scissors.
> I watched silently for a short time and then went
> into the house.
> I was gone only a minute, and when I came out
> again I handed
> her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting
> the grass, you
> might as well sweep the driveway."
>
> And then the fight started........
>
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
> always have a limp


ehe! he! he! he! he!..(lol)

(h.h.!)
j.t.

Wife to her husband in frustration: "Get the H*** out." Then, as he's leaving, she adds, "I hope you die a slow painful death."

He turns back to her and says, "So now you want me to stay?"

And that's when the REAL fight started...

The more I am on this forum the more I appreciated the Wisdom of you guys.

These are funny. Loved the one where the husband jumped out the window and came back in yelling "I AM your husband". lol

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER list en to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him.. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
and thats when the fight started........

A maid asks her boss for a raise. The lady asks her why?

The maid says there are three reasons. "First," she says, “I'm better at ironing than you.”

Her wife asks, “Who said you iron better than me?'

The maid answers, “Your husband.”

The maid says, “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

The boss says, “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

“Your husband. And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Her boss is visibly upset. “So, did my husband say that, too?

The maid pauses for a second and says, “No, the gardener did.”

and thats when the fight started........

AfterI retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Unfortunately, my wife is like most women ---she loves to browse. I had to find ways to keep myself entertained.Yesterday she received the following letter from Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion inour store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using different sizes of funnels

October 18:He hid in a clothingrack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

October 23:Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!

I don’t have to go shopping with my wife anymore, but thats when the fight started.......


A store that sells husbands opened in New York City. Women looking for husbands find instructions at the entrance to the store.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

A woman may choose any man on the floor.

If she doesn't find a man to her liking, she can go up to the next floor.

But, she cannot go down a floor, except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The sign on the first floor reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
She checks out a few, but decides to go to the next floor.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
Sounds good, but she still doesn't find a man to her liking.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, "These are great!" But feels compelled to explore further.

The Floor 4 sign reads: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
These guys were also great, but she is overwhelmed with curiosity and goes up another floor.

The fifth floor sign reads: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is really tempted to choose one, but continues to the sixth floor.

The Floor 6 sign reads: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

and after my wife read this, thats when the fight started.

Is Joni around?I always answer,yes she is round.

Usually non-detecting stuff on a detecting forum doesn't interest me too much, but this thread is a hilarious exception.

Thanks, Flurry, for several solid laughs. Welcome to the forum, you're off to a good start here!

yess! outrageous! made me howl with laughter!..hilarious!
thanks!

(h.h.!)
j.t.